


Guilt

by saturated



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Canon Universe, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, blood tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-10-01 09:48:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10186769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturated/pseuds/saturated
Summary: Keith can't sleep and he runs into Lance who seems to be having the same problem.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This took a lot longer to write than I had anticipated but here we go! 
> 
> If you didn't see the tag, there is a blood trigger warning.

Keith was always able to sleep through the night, unless of course something was really bothering him, which is exactly what was happening that night. He had been lying in bed for who knows how many hours just running through the events of that day. They had landed on a new alien planet that had sent out a distress signal and chased away all of the Galra occupying it. 

Or so they had thought. Keith had been sitting in a room with a few of the aliens while they asked him questions about being a paladin of Voltron. They were asking more serious questions about the mental tolls of the job and how the paladins train, opting for Keith’s realistic answers over Lance’s embellishing tales of the legendary defender, when a soldier that was hiding in the shadows appeared. It barely took one motion for the soldier to kill every alien civilian that was in the room before Keith could even reach for his bayard. He managed to kill the Galra soldier, but it almost didn’t matter anyway. The rest of the crew found Keith on his knees with his head in his hands a few minutes later.

They said they didn’t blame him, and that it wasn’t his fault, but Keith would not be able to forget the biting tone Allura had used in the mission debriefing, or the way Coran refused to look him in the eye, or the absent weight of Shiro’s hand on his shoulder.

So Keith pulled himself out of bed and decided to take a walk around the castle with no destination in mind, trying to figure out anything he could do to get his mind off of that day. There was no one he wanted to talk to because as far as he was concerned, no one else would have wanted to either. Training was out of the question because Keith felt like every muscle in his body would give out if he attempted anything more than a slow walk. Eventually, his feet brought him to the observatory, and he was surprised to find that he was not the only one having trouble sleeping.

Lance was there too, staring out into space. He must have heard Keith come in because he turned to look to see who was there.

“Can’t sleep?” Lance asked, a small smile playing on his lips.

Keith nodded, readying himself to leave Lance alone.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Keith was not expecting that. “Not really,” he said.

“Okay,” Lance said. “It’s just I never see you up at night, and after today, well…” Keith didn’t like was Lance was trying to say here. “I just figured you might want to talk.”

“I said it’s fine,” Keith said getting a little upset. He never really liked talking about his feelings and especially not with Lance of all people. But what did he mean by never seeing him up at night? How much did Lance actually sleep? “What are you doing up, anyway?”

“Me?” Lance said as if there was someone else there. “I never sleep. Or almost never. I always dream about Earth so I try not to sleep for the most part.”

“Oh,” was all Keith could say. He moved to sit down next to Lance, pulling his knees up to his chin. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Nah,” Lance said. “I’ve already unloaded on Hunk so I’m pretty good. But, thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.”

They sat there in silence for a little while, looking at the stars and planets, places they would probably end up visiting or at least pass by. It was honestly too much for Keith sometimes. He always wanted to go into space as a child, but now that he was here, space seemed too big for a kid from a small town like him.

“No one really blames you, you know,” Lance said after a while. “At least, I don’t.”

“Then why does it feel like they all do?” Keith asked, recalling the screams of the family members of the aliens that were killed under his watch.

“People are weird like that,” Lance said. “They have to blame someone or something. But it’s not your fault, it’s the Galran soldier’s fault.”

“But I couldn’t… I didn’t…” The words died on Keith’s lips as he trailed off about not being able to save them. Lance might not blame him, but he sure did blame himself.

“We’re fighting a war, Keith,” Lance reassured. “People die in wars and there’s nothing you can do about it except win.” Keith looked at Lance who was staring intently at him. He recalled everything they had gone through, the two of them, starting out as rivals, basically hating each other, and slowly worked at whatever the hell their friendship had become. “You did everything you could in that moment, and now you’re going to avenge them by defeating the Galran Empire.”

Keith managed to break Lance’s icy stare and look back out into space. He wanted something else to think about because no matter what Lance said, he wasn’t going to stop blaming himself anytime soon.

“Tell me about home,” Keith said. “I don’t want to think about today.”

Lance didn’t say anything for a second. He just stared at Keith, likely contemplating whether or not he would push the issue. Keith was grateful when he didn’t, and started going on about his family and the beach and his mother’s home cooking. Keith liked listening to Lance talk. He liked the way his eyes lit up when he talked about his sister getting a law degree, and the way he threw his hands around when talking about wrestling with his brothers. Lance talked for hours about home, and Keith forgot all about the day he had. Eventually, Keith started nodding off, struggling to keep his eyes open. There were still a few hours until he needed to be up, and he knew he should get some sleep before the morning, but he didn’t want to leave Lance’s side. He wanted to listen to him talk until everyone else was awake to keep him occupied.

“And then he – hey, buddy,” Lance said, breaking off a story about his dad getting into a fight with their neighbor over a baseball game. “Do you maybe want to go to bed? You’ve been falling asleep for the past half hour.”

Keith shook his head. “I like… I like listening to you talk.”

Despite the room not being too bright, Keith swore he could see Lance go red. He felt a small sense of pride at making him blush. Keith isn’t sure when it happened, but somewhere along the line he actually fell for Lance. Somewhere between the bad jokes and cheesy pick-up lines used on every other living creature besides himself, Keith managed to fall in love with Lance. And Keith wasn’t stupid; he knew that Lance had feelings for him as well, but something kept holding him back. He told himself it was for the sake of the team, and if they ever fought, they wouldn’t be able to form Voltron, but that didn’t feel like quite the right answer.

“I, um,” Lance said. “Well… you can… you can barely keep your eyes open, so I think it’s time to sleep.” To make his point clear, he got up and held his hand out to Keith to help him up.

Keith took his hand, and after a pang of courage, didn’t let go, even though he was standing up just fine. If Lance minded, he didn’t say anything, and just lead Keith down the halls to his room. 

They walked in a comfortable silence the whole way there, but Keith still missed the sound of Lance talking.

Once outside Keith’s room, Lance finally let go of Keith’s hand, and stood next to the door.

“Here we are,” he said. “Home, sweet home.”

Keith lingered, watching the door with a careful eye. He had originally got out of bed, hoping not to run into anyone on his walk through the castle, but now he didn’t want to be left alone. He didn’t want Lance to go.

“What’s wrong, dude?” Lance asked.

Keith shifted on his feet, refusing to meet Lance’s eyes. “I don’t want to be alone,” he mumbled, barely audible to even himself.

“I don’t have to go if you don’t want me to,” Lance said with ease. Keith hated that Lance was so good at this, at casual talk when they were alone.

Keith took Lance’s hand again as a silent answer. He opened the door and went inside, Lance in tow.

“I… I, um,” Keith said, now that they were in the room. “Can you…” He gestured slightly to the bed, meaning for Lance to get in first. Keith didn’t like sleeping close to walls, a bad habit of knocking his head into them while sleeping as a child.

“Yeah, sure,” Lance said. Keith swore that Lance was redder in here than he was before he was asked to stay, but of course that could have been a trick of the light. Lance got in the bed, closely followed by Keith, who lied down on the edge of the bed facing away from Lance. As much as he wanted this, it was still a little unfamiliar and strange to him.

But he didn’t like how cold it was, even though Lance was right next to him. He reached behind him blindly, hoping to send a signal or find Lance’s hand, whatever came first. Luckily, Lance took the sign and grabbed Keith’s hand, which Keith used to pull Lance’s arm around him. As if Lance was waiting for permission, he sidled up closer to Keith, pulling him in close to his chest. Keith fell asleep almost instantly.

 

It was a normal mission, at least by regular standards. Get in, kill some Galra, and save an alien race. Simple. Easy. Nothing they hadn’t done before. Keith looked around at everyone thanking them for a job well done. He was happy to help, he told them. 

But then came the scream. The aliens were all looking at Keith in horror, pointing at something he was holding. It was his knife, but it was covered in blood. He was covered in blood. 

Keith looked back up to see all of the previously screaming aliens dead on the ground. So were all of his teammates. Shiro, Hunk, Pidge, Lance. All of them bloody and sprawled out. Keith was about to scream himself when he bolted upright in his bed, waking up from what was apparently a nightmare. Keith couldn’t believe that he’d actually had a nightmare; he never had them, not even after he watched It when he was four.

Because of the way Lance was laying with his arm around Keith, this motion woke him up too, and very abruptly.

“Keith?” Lance said. “Are you okay, buddy?”

Honestly, he was not okay. His breathing was uneven and there was sweat dripping from his forehead. In his dream, he had killed all of those people, and no matter what anyone told him, he knew he was the one to blame for the few that he couldn’t save that day. He didn’t train enough, he wasn’t prepared enough, he wasn’t –

Lance gingerly put a hand on Keith’s back, pulling him back into reality.

“What was the dream?” Lance asked quietly, testing Keith’s boundaries.

Keith didn’t answer. He didn’t even acknowledge that Lance had said anything before climbing out of the bed, and putting his shoes on. He didn’t know where he was going, he just didn’t want Lance to see him like this.

“Keith, what are you doing?” Lance was getting up too, trying to follow. 

Again, Lance’s questions were met with silence, and this time with the added sound of the door opening and closing. Keith didn’t know if Lance would follow him out of the room, or if he would even be able to find him later. He didn’t care.

Somehow, Keith found himself in the lion hanger. What he came he for, he couldn’t say. Maybe it was because his lion comforted him, or maybe it was because he believed Lance would never look for him here. Either way, Keith stopped and sat at the base of the Red Lion, carefully hiding himself around the backside of one of the paws so that he wouldn’t be visible from the entryway. He pulled his knees up to his body and put his head down between them. After a few minutes, there was the unmistakable sound of muffled footsteps, mostly likely Lance’s slippered feet, coming into the room.

He sat down next to Keith, silent, and Keith could feel him trying to figure out what to say. Keith didn’t want him to say anything. He wanted him to go away, go back to bed, go anywhere but here and leave Keith to his own thoughts. But no, Lance would never walk away from someone who needs him. Lance is too nice for that. Keith couldn’t help but adore that.

“I’m fine,” Keith said after a couple minutes of silence.

“You don’t seem like it,” Lance said.

“I – I can handle it.”

Keith appreciated how much Lance seemed to care, but he was getting annoyed with how persistent he was. If Keith said he was fine, he meant it, and he didn’t want people grilling him for details like this.

“Look,” Lance said, “I know you say you’re fine, but I don’t believe you. So just – why won’t you let me help you?”

“I don’t need your help,” Keith said, getting irritated. 

“That’s not what it seemed like when you asked me sleep with you.” Lance was getting angry too. Keith knew this was a battle he could never win, both of them were too stubborn to give up their own opinion.

“Why does it matter to you, anyway?” Keith said. “Isn’t there anyone else you can go bother?”

“God,” Lance said, practically shouting. “Maybe it’s because I care about you? You’re my friend and I want you to be happy, but I guess that doesn’t mean anything to you. You can just go the rest of your life only thinking about yourself.”

Lance started to stand, but in a fit of confidence, Keith grabbed the hem of his shirt to pull him back down.

“What?” asked Lance, pouting.

“I’m sorry,” Keith said quietly.

The hard look washed off of Lance’s face. “It’s fine. I just – don’t get mad at me for trying to help, okay?”

Keith didn’t know what came over him. Maybe it was the confidence, maybe it was the sleep deprivation, or maybe it was a mixture of both, but before he could change his mind, he leaned in to kiss Lance. He felt Lance stiffen and then relax under his mouth. Lance’s hand made its way up to cradle Keith’s jaw, before Keith pulled away.

“Apology accepted,” Lance said, grinning widely. 

“Shut up,” Keith said, lightly shoving Lance, mimicking his smile.

“Make me,” Lance said teasingly. Keith knew he was trying to get him to kiss him again. He loved that, but he decided he wouldn’t fall for it. He would have the upper hand.

Keith stood up. “No, that’s okay. I’ll think I’m going to do some early morning training.”

Lance looked slightly disheartened, but not fully disappointed. “Mind if I join you?”

“For training? Or to watch me train?” Keith could tease too, and he loved the red that flushed Lance’s cheeks because of it.

“Well,” Lance said, “you could always show me some of your moves. You know like –” he did some fake fighting moves and made noises to accompany them “ – that. All that cool shit you do.”

“You think I’m cool?”

“Yeah, I mean…” Lance grew redder. “Can I join you or not?”

Keith didn’t say anything, but took Lance’s hand to lead him to the training deck.

 

“You have to stay focused on me,” Keith said, looking down at Lance after kicking his feet out from under him. “The enemy isn’t going to go easy on you just because your attention is wandering.” Keith held out his hand to help Lance back up.

“Yeah, but,” Lance said, getting on his feet, “it’s kind of hard when Hunk is over there cheering me on like a soccer mom.”

Hunk, Pidge, and Shiro had all entered the training deck after about an hour of training. They were silent, respectful, and let Keith finish his brief lesson with Lance, but of course, no matter how quiet or invisible they were, Lance couldn’t help but turn his attention to them.

“Sometimes you have to fight with an audience,” Keith said, and Lance remembered what Shiro said he had to do when he was a Galra prisoner. “And sometimes the audience likes a show, so it’ll be that much harder.”

Keith was blunt when he spoke. If he wanted you to know something, he told you, and when he didn’t, he told you that too. That was one of the many things Lance liked about him, but then sometimes he said things like this. Lance appreciated the help, he really did, but he wasn’t a fan of the grim nature of it.

“Do you wanna go again?” Keith asked.

“Actually, I could use a break,” Lance said.

“Alright,” Keith said. “Ask Shiro if he wants to go a round with me. I’m all warmed up now and I don’t want to lose it.”

Lance gave a finger gun and a wink to let Keith know he would, but also to make Keith blush the way he thought was absolutely adorable, which it did. Lance went over to the others and sent out Shiro to spar. He was left with Hunk and Pidge, both of which seemed to be looking at him knowingly.

“So how long were you two in here?” Hunk asked, trying to be sly.

“A little over an hour, I’d say,” Lance said.

“Just training?” Pidge asked.

“Yeah,” Lance said. He could feel warmth creeping up his neck. “What else?”

“Nothing,” the two said in unison.

It was no secret in the castle that Lance and Keith had been harboring feelings for each other, and it was no secret that they were both worried about how it would affect the team. Lance recalled the one time Hunk not-so-slyly gave him a speech about the power of love and how important it is if you find someone special. He didn’t mention Keith but Hunk was not very subtle, and Lance wasn’t stupid. Lance would be offended by their invasion of privacy if he wasn’t so in love with the attention. In hindsight, he probably should have gotten Keith’s permission to share what he was about to share, but he could see Keith talking away to Shiro while they sparred, and Keith told Shiro everything, so Lance figured it was fine.

“Well, if you must know,” Lance said, grabbing Hunk and Pidge’s attention, “Keith… kissed me earlier. Like, we were having a ‘bonding moment’ or whatever and he just… did it.”

“You kissed back, right?” Hunk asked leaning forward.

“Of course,” Lance said. “You know me.”

“Yeah, we know you,” Pidge said. “Desperate for the mullet man you’re in love with.”

Lance began to feel very warm and was starting to not enjoy the attention as much. “I’m not in love with him,” he said. “At least, I don’t know yet.”

Pidge opened her mouth to give what was likely going to be a witty rebuttal, but was interrupted by Keith’s shouting.

“I said I don’t want to talk!” Keith said, angry at Shiro.

“Keith,” Shiro said, voice stern, “you can’t just tuck away your problems for another day.”

“You seem to do it just fine,” Keith said before stomping out of the room.

Shiro sighed once the door was closed and turned to Lance, Hunk, and Pidge. “Sorry you guys had to see that.”

“I’ll go talk to him,” Lance said, getting up and not listening to Shiro’s sounds of protest.

Luckily, Keith was not walking too quickly and he was only just down the hall when Lance walked out of the room.

“Keith!” Lance shouted. “Wait up!”

Keith stopped and waited for Lance to run up to him, but didn’t turn around to greet him.

“What?” Keith said.

“Are you okay?” Lance knew that wouldn’t get him anywhere, but he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“Do I look okay?” Keith still hadn’t turned around.

“Obviously not,” Lance said quietly. “Do you – do you need anything?”

Keith’s shoulders sagged as he let out a deep sigh. “I just need – I want to be alone right now.”

“Okay,” Lance said. “If you do need me, you know where to find me.”

“Thanks,” Keith said, barely audible before continuing down the hall.

 

Lance didn’t see Keith again that day until dinner when he silently popped in to grab some food and just as silently left. His missing presence was noted throughout the day, but no one seemed all too thrilled to go and find him, and Lance didn’t want to bother him unless he really wanted it. Lance was aware that sometimes he could be annoying to people, and he really hated it, but lately he had been trying to tone himself down just a little bit by listening when people said they wanted space and waiting for them to come to him. It was hard, but it was a start, he thought.

It wasn’t until Lance was getting ready for another sleepless night that the weight of not seeing Keith all day really hit him. He missed him, and he was considering going to Keith’s room when he heard a soft knock on the door.

As if his own thoughts had summoned him, Keith was standing at the door.

“Hey,” Lance said. “What’s up?” He tried to play cool, like nothing had happened that day because he knew that’s what he would want.

“Can I stay here tonight?” Keith said bluntly.

Lance was almost surprised. He honestly didn’t expect Keith to want to sleep with him two nights in a row, but after his absence from training, he should have known.

“Yeah,” Lance said. “Of course.”

“Thanks,” Keith said walking past Lance into the room and going to sit on the edge of the bed.

“Is there something –.”

“No.”

Lance got it. Keith didn’t want to talk. He never wanted to talk, not about stuff like this, never about things that were bothering him. It didn’t stop Lance from asking.

“I’m sorry,” Keith said as Lance sat down next to him. “I’m not good at this.” He waved his hands around a little, gesturing to nothing in particular.

“What?” Lance asked. “Like feelings? Or us? Or what?”

“Both?” Keith said. “I don’t know.”

Lance grabbed Keith’s hand and laced their fingers together. His hand was sweaty and he was grateful that Keith was still wearing his gloves.

“When it comes to us,” Lance started, “don’t worry, cause I don’t know what I’m doing either.”

“Really?” Keith said, a smile playing at his lips.

“I know it may be hard to believe, but yes, I am inexperienced in like, this dating stuff.” Lance avoided Keith gaze, and hoped he couldn’t see his face turning red. “And don’t worry about your feelings stuff because emotions are weird and everyone’s got something they don’t want to talk about.”

“Everyone? I find that hard to believe.”

“Well, I mean, yeah Shiro told us about his year as a Galra prisoner, but what do we really know about what he did. And I don’t think I’ve heard Hunk mention his parents once since we left earth. And Allura and Coran hardly reminisce about Altea anymore.” Lance paused. Listing everyone’s insecurities like this made this whole war seem so much worse than he originally thought it would be. “And I doubt Pidge even sleeps. I see her walking around at night at least five nights a week. We’ve all got something.”

Keith’s hand tightened its grip on Lance’s as Keith put his head on Lance’s shoulder.

“Last night I dreamed that I had killed everyone,” Keith said in almost a whisper. “We had saved a planet, like always, but things went bloody really fast. Before I knew it, everyone, including you, was dead. And the knife was in my hand.”

Lance couldn’t say anything. He didn’t blame Keith for avoiding everyone that day, and he didn’t blame Keith for not wanting to talk about it. Guilt that strong could tear anyone apart.

“I don’t know what to say,” Lance said.

“Don’t,” Keith said. “Let’s just go to bed.”

And they did in the same way they did the night before. Lance put his arm around Keith and pulled him tight to his chest, a motion meant to protect him. Keith put his hand over Lance’s and quickly fell asleep while Lance remained awake for a while after. Lance was afraid to sleep, afraid to see his family’s faces in his dreams, but eventually the fatigue took over and he slept. It was the first night in a long time that Lance slept the whole night through.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first real fic I have written for Voltron or for anything really. I have another story planned for this specific universe, and another one planned for a different canon universe. I also had an idea for a high school au but we'll see what happens with school and all that.
> 
> Please tell me what you think! I'm very proud of it and I hope people like it!


End file.
